Hero
by Queen of the Castle
Summary: After Sirius' death Harry is unsure of his position in the world. Dumbledore gives him something to think about.


Author's Notes: Written post-OotP, but pre-HBP. Introspective fic.

* * *

What makes a hero? Better still, what's the difference between a hero and a villain? I doubt I'm the only person who's wondered about that, though I think I have a better reason to question it than most.

Some people, upon posing the question, would probably scoff as if the answer was obvious, and to them I suppose it is: "A hero is the good guy who saves the day, and a villain is the evil one who opposes him." I'm also sure that, if asked, they'd all tell me that I'm a hero, and my opposing villain is Lord Voldemort (though they'd undoubtedly only call him 'You-Know-Who' or one of the other ridiculous terms he's been given).

Is it even possible for a sixteen year old boy who can't even manage to defend those he cares about to be a hero?

I'd like to tell them all that I, Harry Potter, am not as wonderful as they suggest. I make mistakes (more _significant_ mistakes than most, even) and people often die in front of me... _because_ of me! My parents, Cedric, Sirius: all, in some way, _my fault_. Everyone needs to realize that the world just isn't clean-cut. The bad guys don't always wear black hats, and the good guys don't always save the day. Or I sure as hell don't, anyway.

Take this god-forsaken prophecy, for example. It alleges that I _might_ defeat Voldemort, that I _might_ save the world from the reign of the evil Dark Lord... but then, I also might suffer a horrible and painful death and leave the world defenceless against Voldemort's whims. The odds of the outcome of our final battle being in my favour are considerably bleak. I wonder sometimes why I keep fighting.

I wish sometimes that I didn't care about the world, that I could just look out for myself. But I don't operate that way. I feel too much for those people who are counting on me to simply shake this off as someone else's problem.

Dumbledore told me on the morning after Sirius's death that my ability to feel was my strength. I replied that, in essence, I didn't want to be human if humanity was to feel. At the time I thought he had no idea just how distressing it could be for an orphaned teenager – who'd lost his parents during infancy and grew up with relatives who hated and abused him for reasons he knew nothing of – to lose the one real family member he'd ever known. Perhaps I'd been correct in thinking that, but at least now I occasionally wonder if perhaps he was right. After all, if I couldn't feel at all – even if the only emotion I currently feel is despair – then what would there be to live for? What would give me the strength to continue fighting for my life, for Voldemort's defeat?

It was Dumbledore who got me thinking about this whole hero issue (yet another clever ploy to prepare me for the role I must step into, I'd wager). He asked me a question yesterday in his office about what I thought made a hero. Remus, who was sitting in on our little meeting for 'moral support', simply looked silently at me from beside the Hogwarts headmaster with this gleam in his eyes. I think he was insinuating that I was the ideal hero, but I have trouble believing it. That sounds too much like all of that 'Boy-Who-Lived' rubbish to me.

Who decides who the heroes in life are, anyway? Certainly not those considered heroes themselves, if I'm anything to go by. I don't see myself as a hero, but does that matter? Does heroism have anything to do with self-image or is it simply public opinion? In that respect, even Voldemort could be considered a hero if his Death Eaters outnumbered those on the opposing side. The thought of that fate is one of the things that makes me keep fighting him. I couldn't stand for the history books to look back on him as some conquering idol.

Thankfully, with things as they are, Voldemort is considered the stereotypical villain. As his main potential enemy (apart from Dumbledore), I suppose that does make me their hero, even if they don't know the exact details of why. They don't know that there is a prophecy, and nor do most of them care. To the general public, I am the Boy Who Lived, and I am the one who rid their lives of the shadow of the Dark Lord for thirteen years. They hope that I'll be able to do it again, perhaps permanently this time. It is because of this hope that I'll probably always be seen to be a hero.

And so I must fulfil the role. _My_ role. I don't think I get a choice.

~FIN~


End file.
